you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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