she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
