i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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