my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
as a side note pls kill me
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