i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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