Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
