i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
