i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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