I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
