Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
