She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
