The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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