I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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