even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
