i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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