life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
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He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
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I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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