Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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