you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
