I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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