You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
