my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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