hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
