You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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