My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
