Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
