those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
