YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
