my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
