I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
