she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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