I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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