i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
