He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
