Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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