i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
