i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
