He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
