Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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