my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
