i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
