I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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