You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
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The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
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You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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