how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
