please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
