I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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