How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
