Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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