Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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