There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
