NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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