I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
