Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
