I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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