Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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