got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
