We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
