why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
