**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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