His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
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I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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